Hindsight, near sight, clear-sight, Eyes Forever Foreword. I am not sure when “it” happened. About a year ago or more, I had been dealing with a lot of crap since we moved from Minnesota. It started with family BS that still pisses me off to this day. I had Bariatric surgery. I was proud of myself for having the courage to get it done. After 6 months of sustained weight loss without regain, I was able to get my first knee replacement. Then the second knee was replaced. I don’t remember, there may have been a kidney-stone between the new second knee. Not sure but post surgery for the second knee I lost my voice. They tried steroids. Then they sent me to an ENT. He didn’t like the looks of something so he did a biopsy. They automatically sent me to a specialist.
Otolaryngology ENT Oncology. I was terrified Lots of tests Then, Twelve to fifteen hours in surgery. I woke up unable to talk because they had to put a tracheotomy to put a feeding tube in. I spent 28 days in the hospital. Thank the nursing staff at Mayo oncology they took great care of me. Bruce was there as often as he could. The worst thing was being on fentanyl patches for a year. They sent me home barely talking and on a feeding tube. Waiting to start radiation.
The next worry was was I going to be able to attend my daughter nad soon to be
The one thing that saddened me?/Angered me is how little my aunt and cousins cared. And yes I amstill hurt and angry. But there is more to that story that I will share at another time.
Rachael came to see me from Baltimore while I was in the hospital. She always brings be joy.
I have had hand tremors for years. Mild tremors since I was in my twenties. I never gave it much thought it didn’t affect my ADLs, or day to day function. The doctor suggested and referred me to a movement neurologist. Oh fun more testing and waiting. In the mean time I waited some more. but not with out more testing for Neuropathy. Which I also have including fibro, chronic pain, chronic fatigue, anxiety depression, PTSD and panic attacks.
By this time it was December. I kept calling the neurologist trying to get a definitive diagnosis. This is werei lost it. I did not realize it and I guess I got lost. I was officially diagnosed with Parkinsons. Part of me (maybe) 10% said OK. It’s not the end of the world. The rest of me shut down. The only problem with that was I gave up. I made myself sick. I stopped taking my meds. I was literally making myself throw up. I did not know I was doing this to myself. Move on to feb, early march I had convinced myself I couldn’t stand or walk. I fell several times. I Had literally made myself sick.
Now it’s April and Bruce figured it out. The whole thing hit the fan. The day I shut down and gave up was around early January. I did not get out of bed unless I had to pee I stopped eatingI went from about 200 lbs (I had already lost 204 post gastric by pass and I now weigh
about 157. (some say too thin.) and I still have a hard time eating the protein I need.
Now we are in May. And the old saying you didn’t fuck it up in a day means you cant fix it in the day. yeah true story. I’m fighting everyday.
I get weak, and lightheaded and cant get down the stairs. I am missing out on life. I miss having energy to do things I want to do. I feel lost and confused. I am in many ways hating myself.
Dealing with the pain physical and mental is a day by day minute by minute . When you have people like my aunt and cousin tell you you are a liar. They accuse you of causing your aunt a heart attack. They do everything in their power to hurt you, just like your sister did. The lies they spread mostly Yvonne. I have not spoken to her since she accused me of calling Tim names. I need to figure out how to stop them all from living rent free in my head.
Bruce and I have been through hell in the past 5 years. My health, his health, we don’t need the baggage, though he has a far easier time letting it go. It is hard for me to believe anything good about me. That anyone loves me.
Not a day goes by that I don’t with to end it all and stop being a burden. Not a day or night goes by that I want to end my pain and that of those around me. Not a minute goes by that I don’t blame myself for everything. What did I do to
deserve cancer, Parkinson’s etc apparently it’s all my fault if you ask my aunt.. She didn’t even care to call when I was in the hospital with cancer. I was undergoing hours and hours of surgery….I find myself overthinking. I drag myself back into the past. I wonder what I did to deserve the abuse.
Now what do I do except try, I am walking but the space is limited. I am terrified of myself and am full of self loathing. My mothers voice is still in my even after 61 years. You will amount to nothing, you are nothing. I cry a lot.
On a positive note I look forward to chatting with our friend Christine on Mondays
I’m trying to crochet a granny square sweater for the fall. I am also trying to read more on subjects that interest me. And trying to teach and old dog new tricks and reteach myself to sew.
Where do I go? How do I find my way back to a sense of sanity
How to I keep my eyes ever forward.
EYES FOREVER FORWARD 