My heart breaks because of how I was treated by T…, your son. He hurt me with his words and his lies. You just accepted what he said as gospel. He said I gave you a heart attack. That was a lie. He said nasty things about B….. saying hesaid things that he didn’t actually say about the house and financing. He tried to get rid of us while the ban on evictions was going on and we were paying our rent on time every month.
He called me nasty things. You let him. You believed him. You said nothing yet you claimed you loved me. It was cruel. You didn’t like how I kept the house I am sorry, I’m not you. I am not a perfectionist, I’m not OCD. I’ve never been a good housekeeper. Yet you…
My heart breaks because of how I was treated by T…, your son. He hurt me with his words and his lies. You just accepted what he said as gospel. He said I gave you a heart attack. That was a lie. He said nasty things about B….. saying hesaid things that he didn’t actually say about the house and financing. He tried to get rid of us while the ban on evictions was going on and we were paying our rent on time every month.
He called me nasty things. You let him. You believed him. You said nothing yet you claimed you loved me. It was cruel. You didn’t like how I kept the house I am sorry, I’m not you. I am not a perfectionist, I’m not OCD. I’ve never been a good housekeeper. Yet you derided me for something I never learned. I do my best.
You lied to me about who the house belonged to. I was told it was your son’s, that he was our landlord. But the truth was that you owned the house. You don’t know that things may have been different had we known who owned the house. But we didn’t know the truth. T… never did any of the repairs he promised he would do like the front steps, I damn near killed myself on them. Or the railing on the back steps or the steps themselves. The plumbing was crap and he knew it. I told him several times and nothing was done.
He promised to paint and do all kinds of things but nothing was done, and then when he told us he was tired of being a landlord he said to come up with a downpayment immediately or to get out. This was impossible it took us several months to come up with a downpayment for our home which we would have bought the house we were in but instead we bought a beautiful home in Owatonna.
I didn’t want to hurt you but you hurt me. You and T… accused us of horrible things. T… wouldn’t give me the title to the car WE bought from him and he even lied to the judge. But because you are family we didn’t tell the judge that. Yet he didn’t show up for the second hearing because he knew he lied.
I Love You. even though all this stuff happened. I would love to see you and have coffee with you. But you probably wouldn’t come because you don’t find family besides T… important. You even allowed him to be cruel when I tried to tell you about my cancer diagnosis.
Have you ever wanted to write, but didn’t know where to start? That’s where I am right now. Where to start? Some say “start at the beginning” but that is a bit harder for me. It’s really dark in the beginning. So maybe more freeform write what I am thinking about. Write what’s going on currently, and go back and forth between the past and the present. Then there is who will get pissed off because you have chosen to spill the beans about family history. Two of the people that will be in the written word have already passed from this world.
Why do I want to write this? For me. To get some of the crap out of my head. TO maybe get rid of some of the pain I feel. I feel scared a lot. I feel alone, a lot. It’s hard to deal with.
If you have been abused you can understand the fear and anxiety in letting all the insanity that runs through your brain, out. I want it out. It causes me pain and anxiety every day. Dealing with flashbacks and nightmares is not fun.
The memories never leave me. The fear, even though my bio-dad is dead and my mom has passed on from this world, I still hear them in my head. I still shiver with fear after waking up from a nightmare. I will take meds daily to deal with my depression and anxiety.
So why do I want to “air the family laundry” out? To stop a bit of the pain is all. Why should I have to live with all this in my head all the time? I don’t and hope to get to writing it all down. I will self-publish and if no one buys it? Who gives a f*ck.
I’ve been feeling kind of abandoned by my family these days. I haven’t heard from my brother or my dad in at least 3-4 weeks maybe longer. When I think about it, it hurts, a lot. Family is hard sometimes. I don’t mean to bitch but It feels awful. I love them all with all my heart. I guess I could call but I know how busy my brother is. I don’t want to bother him. So is it my fault?
Mental health should be more of a priority in this country. I know that I have been dealing with mental health issues since I was a small child, yet I know now it was mostly ignored because I was a kid.
When I was a freshman in high school getting some kind of help was pushed on me, or should I say pushed on my parents. A forced meeting with the school counselor said I needed to see a psychiatrist. I still remember this guy, it was like the ghost of Sigmund Freud walked out of history and into the office I was in. I don’t know if I knew that then but that is what I think of now. I also had to see a psychologist and bare my soul. Well, I did I told my truth. Then she talked to my mom and stepdad and My mother said I was lying and that what I told the psychologist or social worker never happened. That was the end of that.
My mental health was never taken seriously by my parents. I think that visit to the shrink and therapist was the beginning of the end of my relationship with my mom and stepdad. I don’t think anything was ever the same again. I never saw another therapist or psychiatrist until I was old enough to go on my own. So much went on during my early to late teens. So many behavioral things, and so many memory-based issues which I’ll talk about at another time. But when I was 16 my sister decided to try to commit suicide. I found her. Things changed again. My bio dad came back into the picture.
There is a lot to this story which, again, I’ll tell you at another time. Suffice it to say that I was FORCED to go on a road trip with the sperm donor and my spoiled rotten sister. Not all things that happened that weekend was bad. I met the family. Not all family is created equal. Some were wonderful, My aunt Sue and her husband and my cousin Terri My Uncle Mike, even my aunt Reene and uncle joe and my cousins from them were nice (at the time, another long story). But the reason for this whole fucking trip was my sister’s desire to “meet” and to get to “know” the bio dad.
When we got home this whole thing became my fault and relations got even more strained between my parents and me.
I can say now that my mental health continued to fall apart. My world kept getting darker and darker. I had no one I could tell what was going on. My best friend moved away and the friends I had left there I wouldn’t talk about depression and how I felt.
By the time I was 18, I was out of the house not by my own choice. One bad situation after another then I wound up in the hospital for the first time. My parents were moving with my brother and sister to California. I begged them to take me with but they left me behind. I spent a month in the hospital and wound up on disability.
My mental health issues have never gone away. I have had issues ever since. I am 59 and I have been on some kind of medication since I was 18. I struggle on a daily basis. Unless you deal with these kinds of issues you don’t get it, won’t get it at all.
I don’t think my parents even ever understood, but then they were never around and wanted nothing to do with me for years. I am still, at 59 taking multiple medications to moderate my moods. It’s unbelievable that I’ve been on meds for so long.
Those of you who battle with your mental health every day know how difficult it can be. It’s really effing hard. I would love to have a break, even for a day from the pain and ache I feel all the time.
Life has been difficult lately. I’ve been dealing with a lot of depression and anxiety. I also have been having trouble with these horrible “ESSENTIAL TREMORS”. I hate the trembling in my hands, I can take the pills I have, but the prescription is written so that it says I can take it more than once a day but the number of pills is written by the month so I get 30 pills for 30 days. So there are days I don’t take it and I can not do much of anything with my hands.
I get really tired of all the shaking. I want to be able to create. Here I am post pill and I can type. I want to make something and crochet. Maybe I can make something small, like an octopus. I’m not sure what I can make. Perhaps I can find a pattern for a…
Life has been difficult lately. I’ve been dealing with a lot of depression and anxiety. I also have been having trouble with these horrible “ESSENTIAL TREMORS”. I hate the trembling in my hands, I can take the pills I have, but the prescription is written so that it says I can take it more than once a day but the number of pills is written by the month so I get 30 pills for 30 days. So there are days I don’t take it and I can not do much of anything with my hands.
I get really tired of all the shaking. I want to be able to create. Here I am post pill and I can type. I want to make something and crochet. Maybe I can make something small, like an octopus. I’m not sure what I can make. Perhaps I can find a pattern for a doily that’s easy or I can adapt my star blanket pattern into a smaller doily with a thinner yarn or thread.
My knees, which have been replaced, have been achy since yesterday. I think it’s the changes in the weather. The weather always seems to get to me. I had trouble getting comfortable last night. There may be a second reason for the achiness, I had to do a sleep study last night. I’ve still got glue in my hair and it is almost 4:00 in the afternoon. I will never buy a sleep number bed, ever. It was the most uncomfortable sleep I have had in a very long time. I felt like I was sleeping on the ground. On second thought the ground might be more comfortable. Plus having wires attached sucks. The glue on my face and in my hair is a mess. Then I was put off my sleep schedule because they don’t want to deal with me. I never go to sleep at 10 pm. So I lay there, with my eyes closed listening to the TV for what seemed to be forever. I tossed and turned and now my back hurts.
Yes, I’m whining. I am tired of always dealing with physical and or mental issues. I’ll talk about the mental health issues another time. Today is all about the physical. Chronic pain is the worst. It never ends. It’s always there. Sometimes it hides, then jumps out at you when you are in a vulnerable position. There are bad days, then very bad days, and again very, very bad days. Today is a very bad day. I’m sitting here trying to simply ignore the pain in my back and hips. I can’t take NSAIDs because of my gastric bypass nearly 4 years ago. They might help but Acetaminophen is all I can take. I hope that some Voltaren gel will help. It’s the exception to the NSAIDs because it’s topical. The doctor said I can use it, as long as I don’t bathe in it. Mind you, there are days that I want to bathe in it! The knees are a different story. Not much touches the pain in the knees. What needs to happen is I need to strengthen them.
I just started physical therapy today. The therapist sent me home with tons of exercises plus 5 min on the bike to start. The therapist wants me to walk a few days a week as well. I also need to strengthen my core. Strengthening my core will help with my strength overall.
It’s a long road but the hope is to increase strength, endurance, balance, and maybe a little pain reduction.
Life has been difficult lately. I’ve been dealing with a lot of depression and anxiety. I also have been having trouble with these horrible “ESSENTIAL TREMORS”. I hate the trembling in my hands, I can take the pills I have, but the prescription is written so that it says I can take it more than once a day but the number of pills is written by the month so I get 30 pills for 30 days. So there are days I don’t take it and I can not do much of anything with my hands.
I get really tired of all the shaking. I want to be able to create. Here I am post pill and I can type. I want to make something and crochet. Maybe I can make something small, like an octopus. I’m not sure what I can make. Perhaps I can find a pattern for a doily that’s easy or I can adapt my star blanket pattern into a smaller doily with a thinner yarn or thread.
My knees, which have been replaced, have been achy since yesterday. I think it’s the changes in the weather. The weather always seems to get to me. I had trouble getting comfortable last night. There may be a second reason for the achiness, I had to do a sleep study last night. I’ve still got glue in my hair and it is almost 4:00 in the afternoon. I will never buy a sleep number bed, ever. It was the most uncomfortable sleep I have had in a very long time. I felt like I was sleeping on the ground. On second thought the ground might be more comfortable. Plus having wires attached sucks. The glue on my face and in my hair is a mess. Then I was put off my sleep schedule because they don’t want to deal with me. I never go to sleep at 10 pm. So I lay there, with my eyes closed listening to the TV for what seemed to be forever. I tossed and turned and now my back hurts.
Yes, I’m whining. I am tired of always dealing with physical and or mental issues. I’ll talk about the mental health issues another time. Today is all about the physical. Chronic pain is the worst. It never ends. It’s always there. Sometimes it hides, then jumps out at you when you are in a vulnerable position. There are bad days, then very bad days, and again very, very bad days. Today is a very bad day. I’m sitting here trying to simply ignore the pain in my back and hips. I can’t take NSAIDs because of my gastric bypass nearly 4 years ago. They might help but Acetaminophen is all I can take. I hope that some Voltaren gel will help. It’s the exception to the NSAIDs because it’s topical. The doctor said I can use it, as long as I don’t bathe in it. Mind you, there are days that I want to bathe in it! The knees are a different story. Not much touches the pain in the knees. What needs to happen is I need to strengthen them.
I just started physical therapy today. The therapist sent me home with tons of exercises plus 5 min on the bike to start. The therapist wants me to walk a few days a week as well. I also need to strengthen my core. Strengthening my core will help with my strength overall.
It’s a long road but the hope is to increase strength, endurance, balance, and maybe a little pain reduction.
1: a person or thing widely admired, especially for having significant influence or significance in a particular sphere a civil rights icon an actor and fashion icon
2: EMBLEM, SYMBOL Rosie the Riveter, a WWII [World War II] cultural icon with her blue jumpsuit and red bandana, represented the women who went to work at manufacturing hubs across the nation …
3 a: a graphic symbol on a computer display screen that represents an app, an object (such as a file), or a function (such as the command to save)
b: a sign (such as a word or graphic symbol) whose form suggests its meaning
I bought a t-shirt at a garage sale that said “Be An Icon” in bold print. Underneath in tiny letters it said justice. Justice could be branding, I’m not sure But the T-shirt got me thinking about this part of the definition “a person or thing widely admired, especially for having significant influence or significance in a particular sphere a civil rights icon an actor and fashion icon”.
I was thinking more about civil rights and social justice or simply being a person people can look up to or look to. Not necessarily famous but someone you can rely on. I picture civil rights icons like John Lewis or Martin Luther King as people that could be relied upon.
Living well working on healing and helping others heal or work through whatever they are going through. This is what I strive to be. Not perfect but honest and forthright with what I’m going through. Being able to stay focused and positive is goal worthy. Life can be hard when all you see is the negatives of what you deal with.
Dealing with all that life throws at you these days is hard. Life is sucky. Medical appointments have been many, 19 in 14 days, it’s exhausting. I have an appointment on Tuesday and two appointments on Wednesday this week.
WHAT DO I do? Life just gets crazier. I would love to feel better and have permanent teeth. This is another thing that bothers me. I could have posts implanted in the top but I am afraid that it might cause more problems. I’m not sure what to do or what to think. How do I make a sane rational decision? I also think that the upper plate is too thick. No one listens to me though. I don’t see the 0dentist until December. I also have another pet scan in December. So what do I do? Perhaps I need to message the dental specialist and tell her what I am thinking. I hate putting the teeth in. it’s uncomfortable. But I need to practice. What does Bruce think about implants? It has to be a decision made by both of us.
I have been busy lately with a new puppy, and medical appointments. Selene is doing well though she has more of the temperament of a chihuahua than the Shihtzu. Puppy training is hard. Even the trainer said the smaller breeds are harder to train by virtue of their size. She can be an angel or a demon. Medical appointments are exhausting. Needing medical appointments is exhausting. The world is exhausting. I am thoroughly wiped out.
I am in pain most of the time. I live in a constant state of anxiety, depression, and frustration. I feel incapable of doing anything that I enjoy. There really isn’t a joint that doesn’t ache. The discs in my back, low in my lumbar and lower thoracic vertebrae, and my neck are compressed or compressing. My CMC joints, the base of both thumbs, are blown and I have carpal tunnel in both wrists. I take medication for everything. The pain meds help some of the pain; generally, my pain is not where it was a year ago, but it is still at a 6-7 out of 10. I would like it to be below a 5 on the 1-10 scale. I wonder if that is too much to ask?
My mental health fluctuates, and I would like to find a baseline that doesn’t have me thinking that I am a burden and I would be better off unalive. Every day is hard. I get that there are people worse off than I am than we are, but things are still rough. Pain is pain. Pain is subjective. Mental health stuff, issues still cause problems. I cry a lot. I don’t sleep well, andI tire easily.
I get sick and tired of people telling me just to pick myself up by my bootstraps. If it were that fucking easy I would have done it 40 fucking years ago.
It’s amazing that the world’s events bother me emotionally and spiritually. They affect my mental health. The current state of affairs in this country and the world keeps me isolated and in the house. November vote, Covid, Violence, white supremacy, hate, RvW, DJT stupidity, Maga insanity, violation of the espionage act by DJT, War in Ukraine, southern border separations, Brittany Griner, and other Putin political prisoners. It continues to build and build and build until it feels like I can’t breathe, or think, and I can’t see an end in sight to the insanity.
What can I do? How am I supposed to feel? How should anyone feel? It’s overwhelming. I’m not sure if one of my Psych medications is working. I feel sometimes like I am drowning. I look around and I wonder if there is any hope of anyone understanding.
I want to get my crafting/office space neatened and organized but I find it difficult to function. I find my energy lacking. I want to scream. I want to walk my puppy, but once again my energy is fundamentally near zero. I get easily frustrated and angry with myself for the lack of energy and motivation. Just writing this has been difficult.
The one good thing I have been able to read again. I have read 2 books in 4 weeks, one that was 800 pages by Sarah J. Maas that was truly epic. The other is a thriller by Jack Carr that struck way too close to reality.
What do I do? I sleep too much or too little, I eat too much or not enough. I do nothing or overdo everything. I am exhausted by everything. I hate watching the news so I escape into fantasy or home or cooking shows. An endless loop of escapism. Until Bruce is done with work, then reality slams into my brain because he actually likes the news. I can’t deny him that. He has been walking the puppy. I feel bad about that. He does all the cooking. He does a lot of the work around the house plus works and takes me to all of my medical appointments. I am the luckiest woman in the world to have him.
Long story short, I am afraid. I need to do something to get out of this funk.
EYES FORWARD 