It has been a long while since I have felt good. Whether it has been the cancer (more on that later), the mental health issues or the chronic physical issues and the chronic pain, It has been dealing with the medical establishment. None of these things are easy to deal with alone, but when you compound them all it’s exhausting. I have “met” a group of supportive strangers in an unusual forum that I thought I would never use (again more on that later.) The one person I can count on IRL is my hubby Bruce and perhaps my cats. Secondarily his family. His family has been my family for 24 years.
I have been dealing with some severe depression bordering on suicide. I don’t want to live but I don’t want to unalive myself either. Medications have been added, and I am still on fentanyl patch from surgery and soon I will add at least one more doctor to my insane amount of specialists that I deal with regularly.
Right now I spend a lot of time crying and not sleeping well. I decided to renew my domain and website for another year and work on writing more frequently to talk about the cancer, being a”spoonie” and “neurodivergent”. I want to talk about chronic pain and the opioid crisis and how it affects people with intractable or chronic pain. I want to talk about Medical PTSD and some in the medical establishment gaslighting chronically ill patients and neurodivergent patients.
l’ll also talk about happier things I hope and share some cool things that I have discovered while being scary alone inside my own head. Depression, anxiety, PTSD, medical PTSD and BPD make my life difficult. That’s just what makes me neurodivergent. I hate myself right now I hate how I look and how I feel and it is all jumbled up with what I said above plus the physical chronic illnesses and pain.
More soon ME