Hindsight, near sight, clear-sight

Hindsight, near sight, clear-sight, Eyes Forever Foreword. I am not sure when “it”
happened. After all the crap I/We had been dealing with since we moved for Minnesota, starting with family BS that to this day pisses me off.

I had Bariatric surgery. I was proud of myself for having the courage to get it done. After 6 months of sustained weight loss without regain I was able to get my first knee replacement followed by a kidney stone. Then the second knee was done. Post surgery for the second knee, I lost my voice. They tried steroids. Then they sent me to an ENT. He didn’t like the looks of something, so he did a biopsy.

They automatically sent me to a specialist.
Otolaryngology ENT Oncology. I was terrified. Lots of tests Then twelve to fifteen hours in surgery. I woke up unable to talk because they had to put a tracheotomy to put a feeding tube in. I spent 28 days in the hospital. Rachael came to see me from Baltimore while I was in the hospital. She always brings me joy.

Thanks to the nursing staff at Mayo oncology. They took great care of me. Bruce was
there as often as he could. The worst thing after they sent me home barely talking, and on a feeding tube was I was on fentanyl patches for a year. waiting to start radiation.

The next worry was ,was I going to be able to attend my daughter’ wedding soon after I started radiation treatments.
One thing that saddened and angered me is how little my aunt and cousins cared. And yes, I am still hurt and angry. But there is more to that story that I will share at another time.
I have had hand tremors for years. Mild tremors since I was in my twenties. I
never gave it much thought. It didn’t affect my ADLs, or day to day function. The doctor
suggested and referred me to a movement neurologist. Oh fun more testing and
waiting. I saw the the specialist in early summer. He prescribed a Parkinson’s
medicine that significantly reduced the tremors, but did not diagnose me with
Parkinson’s disease. In the mean time I waited some more. but not without more
testing for Neuropathy. I also have fibro, chronic pain, chronic fatigue, anxiety
depression, PTSD and panic attacks.

By December. I kept calling the neurologist trying to get a definitive diagnosis. This is
where I lost it. I did not realize it and I guess I got lost. I was officially diagnosed with
Parkinsons in January. Part of me (maybe) 10% said OK. It’s not the end of the world.
The rest of me shut down. The only problem with that was I gave up and made myself
sick. I stopped taking my meds by literally making myself throw up. I did not know I
was doing this to myself. Move on to Feb, early March. I had convinced myself I
couldn’t stand or walk. I fell several times. I had literally made myself sick.
In April, Bruce figured it out. The whole thing hit the fan. The day I shut down and gave up was around early January when I got the Parkinson’s diagnosis. I did not get out of bed unless I had to pee. I stopped eating, then went from about 200 lbs (I had already lost 204 post gastric by pass) and I now weigh about 157 (some say too thin). I still have a hard time eating the protein I need.

Now we are in May. And the old saying you didn’t fuck it up in a day means you cant fix it in the day. Yeah, true story. I’m fighting everyday.
I get weak and lightheaded and can’t get down the stairs. I am missing out on life. I
miss having energy to do things I want to do. I feel lost and confused. I am in many
ways hating myself.

Dealing with the pain physical and mental is day by day, minute by minute. When you
have people like my aunt and cousin tell you you are a liar, accusing you of causing
your aunt have a heart attack and doing everything in their power to hurt you, just like
your sister did, it’s hard. The lies they spread mostly came from Yvonne. I have not
spoken to her since she accused me of calling Tim names. I need to figure out how to
stop them all from living rent free in my head.
Bruce and I have been through hell in the past 5 years. My health, his health, we don’t
need the baggage, though he has a far easier time letting it go. It is hard for me to
believe anything good about me. That anyone loves me.
Not a day goes by that I don’t want to end it all and stop being a burden. Not a day or
night goes by that I don’t want to end my pain and that of those around me. Not a
minute goes by that I don’t blame myself for everything. What did I do to
deserve cancer, Parkinson’s etc. Apparently it’s all my fault if you ask my aunt. She
didn’t even care to call when I was in the hospital with cancer and undergoing hours
and hours of surgery. I take it to the extreme and drag myself back into the past and
wonder what I did to deserve the abuse.
Now what do I do except try, I am walking a bit but the space is limited. I am terrified of
myself and am full of self loathing. My mother’s voice is still in my head, even after 61
years. You will amount to nothing, you are nothing. I cry a lot.
On a positive note I look forward to chatting with our friend Christine on Mondays
I’m trying to crochet a granny square sweater for the fall, I am trying to read some
more on subjects that interest. And trying to teach and old dog new tricks and reteach
myself to sew. Oh and be exactly where Bruce needs me to be immediately. Because it is all my fault. So I continue to beat myself up until Bruce gets what he wants.
Where do I go? How do I find my way back to a sense of sanity
How to I keep my eyes ever forward.