Where to start. I do have some awesome news. PUPPY! I am getting a small puppy that will become a small dog. Part Schitzu, part Chihuahua. Her name is Selene. She is named after the goddess of the moon. She is the tiniest of a litter of six and she is adorable! I have some pictures and I will post them. She will be a welcome addition to our family. She will also be my ESA. She comes home to us on May 12th when she is old enough to be away from her momma Luna. Her human carer regularly sends videos and pictures of her to me. We also have been visiting regularly so that Selene can bond with me. We want her to only come to either Bruce or me. I have bought her an enclosed playpen with extra bedding for nighttime until she gets a bit bigger. She might always go in there at night to prevent getting into things or prevent getting stepped on. I am going to have to get used to being downstairs more as it will be much easier to take her out to potty (and quicker) since I am slower on the stairs. We do have puppy pads and all things puppy. Here’s to animals and their healing energy.My medical issues are always changing. I now have a new diagnosis. Well, not really new it was in the records. I just advocated for myself for it to be taken into account with everything that has been going on.
Borderline Personality Disorder
A borderline personality disorder is a mental health disorder that impacts the way you think and feel about yourself and others, causing problems functioning in everyday life. It includes self-image issues, difficulty managing emotions and behavior, and a pattern of unstable relationships.
With borderline personality disorder, you have an intense fear of abandonment or instability, and you may have difficulty tolerating being alone. Yet inappropriate anger, impulsiveness, and frequent mood swings may push others away, even though you want to have loving and lasting relationships.
Yeah. I wanted it to be looked at because of certain behaviors I realized I was exhibiting. It meant an adjustment and change in medication, and a suggestion of a new type of therapy I need to work on scheduling but have been procrastinating about called DBT.
Dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) is a type of cognitive-behavioral therapy. Cognitive-behavioral therapy tries to identify and change negative thinking patterns and pushes for positive behavioral changes. DBT may be used to treat suicidal and other self-destructive behaviors.
Another thing going on is a wave of absolute anger bordering on rage at my medical team. I was told that I could get both an upper and lower plate (teeth) after my cancer surgery and radiation. So I went and had the upper plate done. I asked the dentist who made the plate if he would be making the lower one. He said yes. He said he would see me the following day with my surgeon since it was my 6-month follow-up. He. Did. Not. Come. Instead, he went to see my surgeon prior to my getting there and apparently told her I could not get a lower plate. No one has explained why. I was in tears. My surgeon said we would see what was going on at our next appointment. That appointment is May 5th. I get to have a swallow test as well to hopefully help with my speech. I have not been wearing my upper plate because I see no sense in it. I can’t use it to eat. If I don’t get a lower plate what good does the upper plate do? I am stuck eating the same things over and over and over again, and all soft or softer foods. I want to east something that crunches. An apple. A Cracker. ANYTHING CRUNCHY! I hope my surgeon has some answers for me this time.
I am still not sleeping well nor sometimes very much regardless of medication. Or I am sleeping way too late. I am unable to fall asleep until quite late. Then I sleep too late and spend all day doing nothing. Staring at the TV, or the phone and TikTok. Sometimes I might crochet and do one of the others at the same time. Or I spend too much time on Amazon shopping or dream shopping. Or I cry and snuggle my cat Phryne. It’s really really hard to stay positive.
I recently went to see my primary care doctor. We were going to do all the tests that ladies need, but apparently, my insurance (medicare) doesn’t pay for one of the exams because most people on medicare are 60 plus and no longer need this regular exam. But she noticed my one ear was very waxy. I also told her that sound was muffled in that ear. They went to clean it and it started to hurt so they stopped. I got my covid booster and she told me if my ear was still bothering me in 3 days to call her office. This I did and I went back in and my ear was still red. She was worried that I might have a perforated eardrum. Drops were prescribed 4 drops 2x a day for 7 days. I am on day 6 and there has been no change in either the discomfort or improvement in hearing. I have a feeling a visit to an ENT is in my future, that is not my ENT surgeon from my cancer.
I am truly exhausted from being sick and tired. Tired of crying, tired of the pain (don’t get me started that’s a whole other post), tired of everything that I go through daily.
Well, I think I will save the political rant for tomorrow, there is a lot to unpack and it all seems to affect how I feel.