Something Needs To Change

I have been busy lately with a new puppy, and medical appointments.  Selene is doing well though she has more of the temperament of a chihuahua than the Shihtzu.  Puppy training is hard. Even the trainer said the smaller breeds are harder to train by virtue of their size.  She can be an angel or a demon. Medical appointments are exhausting.  Needing medical appointments is exhausting. The world is exhausting.  I am thoroughly wiped out.

I am in pain most of the time. I live in a constant state of anxiety, depression, and frustration.  I feel incapable of doing anything that I enjoy.  There really isn’t a joint that doesn’t ache.  The discs in my back, low in my lumbar and lower thoracic vertebrae, and my neck are compressed or compressing. My CMC joints, the base of both thumbs, are blown and I have carpal tunnel in both wrists.   I take medication for everything.   The pain meds help some of the pain; generally, my pain is not where it was a year ago, but it is still at a 6-7 out of 10.   I would like it to be below a 5 on the 1-10 scale.  I wonder if that is too much to ask?  

My mental health fluctuates, and I would like to find a baseline that doesn’t have me thinking that I am a burden and I would be better off unalive. Every day is hard.  I get that there are people worse off than I am than we are, but things are still rough. Pain is pain. Pain is subjective.  Mental health stuff, issues still cause problems. I cry a lot. I don’t sleep well, and I tire easily. 

I get sick and tired of people telling me just to pick myself up by my bootstraps. If it were that fucking easy I would have done it 40 fucking years ago. 

It’s amazing that the world’s events bother me emotionally and spiritually. They affect my mental health. The current state of affairs in this country and the world keeps me isolated and in the house. November vote, Covid, Violence, white supremacy, hate, RvW, DJT stupidity, Maga insanity, violation of the espionage act by DJT, War in Ukraine, southern border separations, Brittany Griner, and other Putin political prisoners. It continues to build and build and build until it feels like I can’t breathe, or think, and I can’t see an end in sight to the insanity. 

What can I do? How am I supposed to feel? How should anyone feel? It’s overwhelming. I’m not sure if one of my Psych medications is working. I feel sometimes like I am drowning. I look around and I wonder if there is any hope of anyone understanding.

I want to get my crafting/office space neatened and organized but I find it difficult to function. I find my energy lacking. I want to scream. I want to walk my puppy, but once again my energy is fundamentally near zero. I get easily frustrated and angry with myself for the lack of energy and motivation.  Just writing this has been difficult. 

The one good thing I have been able to read again. I have read 2 books in 4 weeks, one that was 800 pages by Sarah J. Maas that was truly epic. The other is a thriller by Jack Carr that struck way too close to reality.

What do I do? I sleep too much or too little, I eat too much or not enough. I do nothing or overdo everything. I am exhausted by everything. I hate watching the news so I escape into fantasy or home or cooking shows. An endless loop of escapism. Until Bruce is done with work, then reality slams into my brain because he actually likes the news. I can’t deny him that. He has been walking the puppy. I feel bad about that. He does all the cooking.  He does a lot of the work around the house plus works and takes me to all of my medical appointments. I am the luckiest woman in the world to have him. 

Long story short, I am afraid. I need to do something to get out of this funk.

Until then

Eyes Forward

Me